The birth story for our little human’s arrival is way different from what we could have ever imagined it would be but somehow just as magical as we always dreamed it would be. Did that sentence even make sense? All I know is that fear only exists if you allow it to and I am so blessed that my husband shares the same mindset as I do. In a situation where some would fall apart, we stood strong. We had each other, faith that our baby would be okay and we were in one of the best hospitals in the world for just that. I guess despite the circumstance, we still got to welcome our little boy into this world and learned how love and a little medical intervention is more than enough.
Where do I even start? Truthfully, three months ago is such a blur now but I wanted to write as much as I could before I completely forget. Partly because I started sharing this journey and because even though it wasn’t the easiest, I never want to forget it. One day, probably a long way from now, I believe I’ll want to look back on these moments because this is our story regardless of how imperfectly perfect it was.
A week before Jax was born, is when I guess it all started.
Thinking back, it is so strange I even went to the doctors that Tuesday. I remember being at work and right before lunch I went to the restroom and although I felt perfectly fine, I questioned whether I had just lost some of my mucus plus. I didn’t have a single contraction, I’m not sure if I even really got Braxton hicks ever to be honest. I could still feel the baby moving and flipping about. All the signs that would tell you everything was fine but in my heart I just knew something was off. So I rang my doctor after lunch and they sounded certain I was okay, they doubted that it was my mucus plug but requested I be seen urgently. So I did just that, I left work abruptly (so thankful for working in a place that puts their employees first) and a quick visit to the doctors turned into a few days spent at the hospital. I was somehow already dilated 1cm but still no one seemed too nervous. They normally don’t do pelvic exams this early on, so who knows if being 1cm was really that “bad”. After being observed at the hospital they decided I wasn’t in active labor, meaning the baby wasn’t coming at that exact moment, and that at the very moment releasing me contingent of being placed on bed rest was no different from sitting in this hospital bed (only a lot cheaper). So I trusted that I was fine because I wanted to believe it but a part of me knew I lost my mucus plug even if no one else wanted to believe me. Prior to discharge I noticed I started to bleed and my mind was telling me it was the remainder of my mucus plug but the nurse just stated it was “old blood” and I was fine. They said that they couldn’t hold me if I wasn’t contracting or showing signs of actual active labor. They didn’t want to do to another pelvic exam because they advised that doing so can also stimulate labor so home I went. I so wish I was more adamant about it being old blood. I wish I fought for them to re-examine me or check the ph level to see if it was my amniotic fluid, but I left – hoping that this baby would wait a little longer and that this was just a fluke as everyone else seemed to be hoping as well. I really don’t think it would have changed much and I don’t think they could have stopped Jax from coming so soon but a part of me will never know and surely, will always wonder.
So we left the hospital and I just remember how over the moon I was to be discharged. I was told I couldn’t go back to work and that I would be on temporary bed rest until our baby arrived. Not the worst news if it meant we could keep this baby cooking just a little longer. I remember my doctor telling me, let’s just try to keep this baby in until 34 weeks then the success rate of premature babies significantly increases. So I thought, okay, 5 more weeks, we can do this. Well turns out, we couldn’t. Baby M had his own plan (at the time we still didn’t know gender but I feel weird not acknowledging he is a boy now that I have him).
Saturday night, we went to bed around 9pm. I woke up around 11pm to a pain I never felt before…was this a contraction? I went to go pee, another one…my legs were shaking as I sat on the toilet. My heart felt like it literally dropped to the floor. I just told myself, drink water and lay on your side. That is what they told me to do and if the pain stopped, it wasn’t real. I so hoped that it wasn’t real. So I got back into bed, laid on my side and chugged water….but another one came. They were three minutes apart, how could that even be possible? Isn’t this what they consider active labor? I woke up Aaron, “we have to go to the hospital…now”. It is honestly all a blur but I grabbed my packed bag and off we drove – thirty minutes to get there. I love where we live but at that very moment, I wished the hospital was closer. Every three minutes like clock work I had another contraction. I just remember telling myself, we are almost at the hospital, we are almost at the hospital. Aaron dropped me at the front of the ER, I told him to go park and I’d check in….I remember crouching in front of the receptionist desk, my legs shaking – stating, “I’m fine but my baby is coming – I’m only 29 weeks…”. Contractions hurt but honestly, the pain didn’t even stand a chance next to my aching heart and racing mind. Can a baby survive at 29 weeks? I was supposed to make it to 34! That is what the doctor told me was our goal. Aaron walked through the door as they wheeled me to a room instantly. First time I didn’t have to wait for my turn at the doctors! I remember the nurses shouting, “we have a 29 weeker”. I’ll never forget how it echoed through my mind. They started my magnesium drip hoping to delay this nuggets arrival but Jaxson was coming. It was around 1am at this point, the doctor checked me…I was 3cm dilated and 90% effaced. My amniotic fluid was trickling out as I had expected, it wasn’t just old blood but since it didn’t gush out like you would think, no one thought anything of it. I went from being “fine” to a day later in active labor…so much for postponing this… They had a delivery room ready for me and wheeled me there on my stretcher. I remember looking back at the nurse and saying “do I need a c-section” and I just remember her saying, “no honey, why would you think that” and a sense of peace and calmness just rushed over me. I might be having this baby early but it could still be close to how I imagined it. So we did just that and made it one of the best moments in our lives.
Aaron and I hung out in the delivery room. Laughing, making the best out of the fact that our baby would be here within hours. We literally had so much fun. Did I really just type that contractions and preterm labor could be fun. I must still be in shock. But truthfully, it was everything I imagined it to be, just sadly, three months early. The nurses were great and I was so excited that apple juice classified as a “clear liquid”. I enjoyed every sip! One of the only symptoms of pregnancy that I had aside from my dreadful heartburn was extreme thirst. So being able to drink fluids while I waited for our little smoosh to make his appearance was a dream come true in itself. We spent the next few hours being goofy and joking about what our baby would look like. We anxiously awaited to find out if “he” was a boy or a girl. One of my favorite parts was that Aaron fell asleep in the midst of everything LOL. It was the middle of the night, so who could blame him. The nurse tucked him in with a heated blanket while he rested. It was funny but somehow cute. Even though we accepted that this was the day Jaxson would be arriving, while Aaron was asleep, I decided it was time to tell our families that they couldn’t stop the baby from coming. I think it is safe to say they were all very worried but we reassured them that we were in the best place possible. Most importantly, that as of right now, we were all okay. Everyone did their best to keep their worries tucked away as we all anxiously awaited the arrival of Jaxson. I spent the remaining time chatting with the nurses until the doctor that would be delivering our baby came in to check me. I hoped so badly that he would say the baby wasn’t coming but as I expected, he said “it is time ” – I was fully dilated and 100% effaced. I looked over and woke up Aaron, “it’s time…our baby is coming”. The moment regardless of the situation just felt right, we smiled.
A rush of excitement came over us, Aaron popped up from his cozy make shift bed. We were finally going to meet our little trouble maker. Another funny moment was that same morning we had scheduled our labor and delivery class; the one we wouldn’t be making cause well, we were experiencing the real thing. So I looked at the nurse and said, it’s time? but I missed my class, I never learned what to do. Logical Tiffany of course wanted to push as instructed…everyone in the room chuckled. But the nurse, mid-laugh humored me and said, just do this…and so I did. Apparently I copied her to a T and Aaron till this day, makes fun of me. But I like being accurate, what can I say!
We heard a cry (thank god) and the doctor shouted, “It’s a boy!” What a relief. My heart has never felt so much joy in the matter of seconds. It was like a wave of relief rushed over me. The doctor still allowed Aaron to cut the cord and we were just so grateful for our baby, the hospital staff and for the Beta shots that helped his little lungs out. They took the baby to the connecting room to evaluate him and Aaron got to go with them. I remember him coming back saying, “I thought he didn’t have his fingers but he was just hiding them, he has all his fingers”…I just laughed and with a sense of relief replied, “that’s great news”. I got to see our baby boy, give him a kiss and they took him to go get situated in the NICU that would soon become our home for the next 9 weeks.
Despite the circumstance, that was the moment we became parents. It might have been three months early but felt just like we thought it would. I was so grateful we waited to find out the gender because it made this moment that much more magical. It gave us something to look forward to despite the situation. Although we couldn’t hold our baby, we were able to touch him and give him lots of love. But let me tell you, the first time we got to hold him, it was pure magic just like we would have thought it would be on day one.
The next few months were an adventure for sure, every day was filled with uncertainties. Two surgeries, endless procedures and tests but we just focused on the fact that one day we would be walking out of that door with our baby boy. It is funny looking back but I never thought leaving the NICU would be such a bittersweet feeling but that place became our home. I’ve heard about the people who count there days there like it is a life sentence but that wasn’t what it was like for us. It is the place we got to hold our baby for the first time, take his temperature, change his diaper, breastfeed him, give him his first bottle, put on his first outfit, see his first “gassy” smile and so on. I’ll never be able to thank the nurses and doctors enough. They taught me to hold our baby when he was a mere 2 lbs and how to care for him. Most importantly, they loved him as if he was their own especially during those moments we weren’t there. We couldn’t have done it without the “Jaxson crew”. They all made those moments that should have been the hardest moments of our life, the easiest and most enjoyable. They saved our baby and in return, saved us. We wouldn’t have this little guy if it wasn’t for each and every one of them.
The day I had Jaxson might be a blur but those 9 weeks I’ll never forget nor will I ever forget those humans that stood by us at our “second” home. Having a preemie or a sick baby isn’t for the faint of heart but you don’t get a choice. You do have the choice to be strong, positive and appreciate every breath your baby takes though and you get a choice to be thankful. We are so incredibly thankful.